A collection of extremely reasonable rules we have repeatedly ignored.

🌌 Space Rule — Nothing good happens in space. If the Zombies quest wants us to go to space, assume disaster immediately.

⏰ Time Rule — Stop messing with time. Time travel, time loops, paradoxes—leave the timeline alone. We have suffered enough.

🎬 Willard Wyler Rule — NOTHING GOOD HAPPENS IN A WILLARD WYLER MOVIE. We have sufficient evidence. Case closed.

🧪 Experiment/Straub Rule — STRAUB, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, STOP EXPERIMENTING. This now applies to every scientist, corporation, military organization, or lunatic conducting obviously dangerous experiments.

🚢 Boat Rule — DO NOT GET ON SUSPICIOUS BOATS. Ships count. Aircraft carriers count. Saying “technically, it’s a ship” is NOT a loophole. WE LEARNED NOTHING FROM VOYAGE OF DESPAIR.

🎈 Airship Rule — If the creepy scientist owns the aircraft, DON’T BOARD IT. “But it’s not a boat!” Nice try.

🚂 Minecart Rule — Somehow, minecarts are more trustworthy than boats. We don’t understand it either.

🐟 Fish Rule — If the fish starts flying, something has gone terribly wrong. We shouldn’t need a rule for this. Somehow, we do.

🏛️ Ancient Civilization Rule — If an ancient civilization sealed something underground, LEAVE IT SEALED. They probably had a reason.

🔍 Investigate Rule — If the objective says “Investigate”… DON’T.
Game: Investigate the mysterious noise.
📖 Rulebook: “NOPE.”

🦾 Exo Rule — If the company responsible for the outbreak gives you experimental technology, DON’T STRAP IT TO YOUR BODY. This feels self-explanatory.

🍔 Burger Town Rule — If a fast-food restaurant is surrounded by zombies, the drive-thru is CLOSED. And don’t order the mystery meat.

🐊 Alligator Rule — A cute name does not mean a cute animal. Looking at you, Bubbles.

🚁 Rescue Rule — Never trust “You’re safe now.” Because approximately five seconds later:
“Um… sir?”
“Yeah?”
“Something went wrong.”

🦈 Shark Rule — If you’re already on a suspicious boat and someone tells you to deal with a shark, GET OFF THE BOAT. You already violated Rule #5. Stop digging.

🚢 Boat Rule Amendment #1 — An aircraft carrier is STILL A BOAT. 📖 Rulebook: “I’M CLOSING THE LOOPHOLE.”

🌊 Underwater Rule — If the secret laboratory is at the bottom of the ocean, THERE’S PROBABLY A REASON THEY DIDN’T BUILD IT NEXT TO WALMART.

🌀 Teleportation Rule — NOTHING GOOD HAPPENS WHEN YOU TELEPORT. AT ALL. Portals, teleporters, dimensional gateways—changing the name does not create a loophole.

🌌 Interdimensional Being Rule — DO NOT TRUST INTERDIMENSIONAL BEINGS.
Mysterious entity: “Trust me.”
📖: “No.”
Entity: “I can help you.”
📖: “No.”
Richtofen: “I have a plan.”
📖: “WHICH RICHTOFEN?!”

🚪 Suspicious Door Rule — If an ancient door requires blood, souls, artifacts, or a ritual to open, IT WAS LOCKED FOR A REASON.

🩸 Soul Box Rule — If something needs zombie souls to “charge,” congratulations: WE FOUND ANOTHER SUPERNATURAL BATTERY.

📻 Mysterious Voice Rule — If a random voice comes over the radio, knows your name, and starts giving instructions, DON’T IMMEDIATELY OBEY IT. Ask questions first.

⚡ Power Rule — If turning on the electricity requires six generators, three dimensions and a boss fight, MAYBE WE DON’T NEED ELECTRICITY. Candles exist.

🔫 Wonder Weapon Rule — Before assembling a weapon from alien rocks, demon artifacts, radioactive components, or mysterious machinery, ASK WHO DESIGNED IT.

🗿 Artifact Rule — STOP TOUCHING GLOWING ARTIFACTS WITH YOUR BARE HANDS.
Us: “But it’s glowing!”
📖: “THAT’S WHY YOU DON’T TOUCH IT!”

🎶 Creepy Music Rule — If a music box, piano, children’s song, or mysterious singing starts playing by itself, LEAVE. We’re not investigating it. See Rule #10.

👁️ Glowing-Eyes Rule — If someone’s eyes suddenly start glowing an unnatural color, BACK AWAY. Conversation privileges have been revoked.

🧟 Keep-One-Zombie Rule — During an Easter Egg, KEEP ONE ZOMBIE ALIVE WHEN POSSIBLE. We’re done solving interdimensional algebra while an entire horde is chasing us.

🚨 Point-of-No-Return Rule — If the game asks “Are you sure?”, WE ARE NOT SURE. Check armor. Check ammo. Check perks. Check weapons. Check equipment. THEN press the button.

📖 THE UNIVERSAL ZOMBIES RULE — If anyone says “I have a plan,” ASK WHAT THE PLAN IS. No more blindly activating machines because a suspicious voice told us to.

And there’s one unofficial rule that’s basically been proven by the entire series:

☠️ THE UNIVERSAL ZOMBIES RULE

If someone says:

“Don’t worry.”

“It’s perfectly safe.”

“Nothing bad could happen.”

“What could possibly go wrong?”

or

“Trust me.”

SOMETHING IS ABOUT TO GO HORRIBLY WRONG. 😭

And somehow, despite creating 17 rules plus the universal rule, our success rate at actually following them is approximately:

0%.