THE ARCHON
By Caleb Irvin / September 29, 2026 / No Comments
…
Us: Okay.
…
Us: Rulebook?
…
Nothing.
Us: Oh.
Us: Right.
📖 IT QUIT.
…
Us: Okay, we’re fine. We know the rules.
Also us: Do we?
Us: Absolutely.
Also us: Name five.
Us: Don’t go to space.
Also us: Good.
Us: Don’t mess with time.
Also us: Good.
Us: Don’t get on suspicious boats.
Also us: Excellent.
Us: Don’t trust interdimensional beings.
Also us: Very important.
Us: And… uh…
…
Us: Don’t teleport?
Also us: YES!
WE’RE READY.
Looks around Terra Maledicta.
Us: Wait.
Also us: Haven’t we been here before?
…
GOD DAMMIT. 😭
🧠 BEFORE WE BEGIN — WHAT IS THE ARCHON?
The Archon returns us to a transformed version of Terra Maledicta, except this time it’s a traditional:
🧟 ROUND-BASED MAP.
More importantly:
THE ARCHON HAS A FULL MAIN QUEST.
Our ultimate objective is to confront:
👹 KORTIFEX THE DEATHLESS.
He’s been hanging over Vanguard Zombies since the beginning.
This time?
WE’RE FINISHING IT.
🏜️ STEP 1 — SURVIVE AND OPEN THE MAP
Start accumulating Essence and opening pathways through the desert.
Unlike the original Terra Maledicta experience, rounds progress normally.
Your early priorities:
🔫 Get a dependable weapon
🛡️ Obtain armor
❤️ Use the Demonic Fountains
🔧 Pack-a-Punch
💀 Use Covenants
And don’t rush the quest before you’re equipped.
The Archon boss isn’t something you want to enter carrying an unpacked starter weapon and optimism.
🔴 STEP 2 — FIND THE DARK AETHER PORTAL
Eventually you’ll begin interacting with the quest structures surrounding the central area.
And we need to activate a portal.
…
Us: Don’t.
Also us: What?
Us: Remember Rule #18.
🌀 NOTHING GOOD HAPPENS WHEN YOU TELEPORT.
Also us: You’re right!
…
Objective: Enter the portal.
…
Us: Maybe we can finish the quest without—
Game: No.
Us: Damn it.
🌀 RULE #18 VIOLATION.
Us: Write that down.
Also us: THERE’S NO RULEBOOK TO WRITE IT IN.
😭
🌌 STEP 3 — ENTER THE DARK AETHER
Once you’ve progressed far enough, interact with the required portal.
You’ll be transported into a Dark Aether-related area where the quest properly begins moving forward.
And immediately:
Us: Okay. We teleported.
Also us: Bad.
Us: But we recognized that teleporting was bad.
Also us: Does that count as character development?
Us: I’m counting it.
🪨 STEP 4 — COMPLETE THE FIRST TRIAL
The Archon’s Main Quest revolves around a series of trials that must be completed before Kortifex can be confronted.
You’ll interact with special obelisks/quest objects around the map.
Each begins a challenge.
The exact gameplay differs between trials, but the important rule is:
PREPARE BEFORE ACTIVATING ONE.
Starting a trial while you’re already low on armor, ammunition, or health is asking Vanguard to punish you.
🔥 STEP 5 — THE FIRE TRIAL
Activate the appropriate quest stone.
You’ll be placed into a combat challenge involving enemies and the surrounding supernatural mechanics.
Stay mobile.
Clear the required targets.
Don’t become so focused on the objective that the regular horde traps you.
Complete the challenge successfully and:
🔥 FIRST TRIAL COMPLETE.
🌌 STEP 6 — SOMEONE STARTS TALKING TO US
Dark Aether entity: You must—
Us: HOLD IT.
…
Dark Aether entity: Excuse me?
Us: Are you an interdimensional being?
…
Dark Aether entity: Technically—
NOPE.
Us: Rule #19!
Also us: Don’t trust interdimensional beings!
Dark Aether entity: But I need to explain—
Us: You may explain.
Also us: But we’re suspicious.
Us: Extremely suspicious.
…
Also us: Dude.
Us: What?
Also us: WE’RE LEARNING.
🥹 THE RULEBOOK WOULD BE SO PROUD.
🪨 STEP 7 — COMPLETE THE SECOND TRIAL
Move to the next required quest location and activate its challenge.
Again:
DON’T ACTIVATE IT UNTIL READY.
Clear the enemies and fulfill the objective.
Use your Artifact ability if the situation becomes dangerous.
And remember:
Aether abilities are emergency tools.
Don’t blow your strongest ability because three zombies looked at you funny.
Complete the challenge.
✅ SECOND TRIAL COMPLETE.
🧟 STEP 8 — COMPLETE THE THIRD TRIAL
Find the final trial location.
Activate it.
By now the rounds may be climbing, so enemy health and damage will become increasingly important.
Keep upgrading:
Pack-a-Punch
Armor
Weapon rarity
Fountains
Covenants
Complete the required challenge.
✅ THIRD TRIAL COMPLETE.
And now we’ve proven ourselves worthy of—
…
Us: Wait.
Also us: What?
Us: Ancient supernatural trials.
Also us: Yeah?
Us: Wasn’t there a rule about ancient civilizations leaving things sealed?
…
🏛️ ANCIENT CIVILIZATION RULE.
Us: Crap.
Also us: Don’t tell the Rulebook.
Us: IT QUIT. WHO ARE WE HIDING IT FROM?!
😂
🛡️ STEP 9 — GET FULLY PREPARED
Before continuing toward Kortifex:
STOP.
This is your preparation checkpoint.
Ideally you want:
🔫 Strong Pack-a-Punched weapon
🛡️ Maximum practical armor
❤️ Upgraded Fiendish Fortitude
🏃 Aethereal Haste
🔄 Demonic Frenzy
🎯 Diabolical Damage
⚡ Venomous Vigor
💀 Strong Covenants
💥 Equipment
⚡ Fully charged Artifact
And plenty of ammunition.
Once you continue into the final confrontation, you’re committing to the fight.
🚨━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━🚨
⚠️ POINT OF NO RETURN
🚨━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━🚨
Everything good?
Armor?
Ammo?
Weapon?
Perks?
Emotional stability?
…
We’re playing Vanguard.
Scratch that last one.
LET’S FINISH THIS.
👹 THE KORTIFEX BOSS FIGHT
Enter the final arena.
And there he is:
👹 KORTIFEX THE DEATHLESS.
The major antagonist of Vanguard Zombies.
Kortifex: You dare challenge—
Us: Wait.
Kortifex: What?
Us: Interdimensional being?
Kortifex: I am Kortifex the Deathless! Lord of—
Us: That’s a yes.
🌌 RULE #19.
Us: WE DON’T TRUST YOU.
Kortifex: I wasn’t asking you to.
…
Us: Oh.
Also us: He’s got us there.
👹 PHASE 1 — DESTROY HIS DEFENSES
Kortifex is protected by supernatural defenses.
Simply unloading everything into him isn’t enough.
You’ll need to use the arena’s mechanics to create opportunities to damage him.
Fight through the incoming enemies and work toward activating the necessary crystals/structures.
Keep moving.
This arena can become crowded quickly.
🔴 STEP 10 — CHARGE THE CRYSTALS
Around the arena are supernatural crystal structures.
Enemies must be dealt with around the appropriate locations to charge the mechanics needed against Kortifex.
Your general loop becomes:
🧟 DEFEAT ENEMIES
↓
🔴 CHARGE ARENA MECHANIC
↓
💥 ACTIVATE ATTACK AGAINST KORTIFEX
↓
🎯 DAMAGE WINDOW
Do not waste all your ammunition shooting Kortifex while he’s protected.
Wait until you’ve created an actual vulnerability.
💥 STEP 11 — DAMAGE KORTIFEX
Once the arena mechanic successfully exposes him:
OPEN FIRE.
Aim for the exposed weak point.
Use your strongest weapon.
Dump as much damage as possible into him before the window closes.
Then return to surviving and preparing the next opening.
👹 PHASE 1 COMPLETE.
👹 PHASE 2 — THINGS GET WORSE
Because obviously.
More enemies enter the arena.
Kortifex becomes more aggressive.
The battlefield becomes more dangerous.
And you have to repeat the process while managing increasingly chaotic hordes.
Us: We need guidance.
Also us: Rulebook?
…
Nothing.
Us: Right.
…
Also us: What would Rulebook say?
Us: Probably “DON’T DO THIS.”
Also us: That’s not particularly helpful right now.
🔥 STEP 12 — USE THE ARENA AGAINST HIM
Continue charging and activating the arena’s supernatural mechanisms.
Keep your route open.
Do not stand still while staring at Kortifex.
Normal enemies remain one of the biggest threats because they can trap you while you’re concentrating on the boss.
If necessary:
SURVIVAL > DAMAGE.
Missing one damage opportunity is better than going down.
💥 STEP 13 — SECOND DAMAGE WINDOW
Activate another vulnerability.
Then:
🔫 EVERYTHING INTO KORTIFEX.
Deal enough damage to advance the encounter.
👹 PHASE 2 COMPLETE.
Kortifex is getting weaker.
Unfortunately…
He’s also getting angrier.
👹 PHASE 3 — FINAL STAND
This is it.
The final phase.
The arena fills with enemies.
Kortifex continues attacking.
Your job hasn’t fundamentally changed:
Survive
↓
Charge the required arena mechanics
↓
Create vulnerability
↓
Attack Kortifex
But mistakes become much more expensive.
Use your Artifact when you’re in genuine danger.
Repair armor when opportunities arise.
Grab ammunition when available.
And DON’T become greedy during damage windows.
🌌 STEP 14 — FINAL VULNERABILITY
Charge the final required mechanism.
Activate it.
Kortifex becomes vulnerable.
THIS IS OUR CHANCE.
Us: Remember everything we’ve learned.
Also us: Don’t go to space.
Us: We’re not.
Also us: Don’t mess with time.
Us: Didn’t.
Also us: Don’t get on a suspicious boat.
Us: NO BOATS!
Also us: Don’t trust interdimensional beings.
looks at Kortifex
Us: DEFINITELY DON’T TRUST THAT ONE.
Also us: Don’t teleport.
Us: Okay, we screwed that one up.
Also us: Four out of five!
CLOSE ENOUGH.
💥 STEP 15 — FINISH KORTIFEX
Unload everything you’ve got.
Weapons.
Equipment.
Abilities.
Keep attacking the exposed weak point.
His remaining health falls.
Lower.
Lower.
Lower…
💥💥💥
👹 KORTIFEX DEFEATED.
🏆 THE ARCHON MAIN QUEST COMPLETE.
🎉 VANGUARD ZOMBIES COMPLETE.
…
Silence.
For the first time in this entire marathon…
Nobody is yelling at us.
…
Us: We actually did it.
Also us: Without the Rulebook.
Us: Think we learned anything?
Also us: Maybe.
…
A familiar sound comes from behind us.
FWUMP.
…
📖
Us: No way.
📖 THE RULEBOOK?!
📖 Rulebook: Don’t get excited.
Us: YOU CAME BACK!
📖 Rulebook: Temporarily.
Us: Where did you go?!
📖 Rulebook: Somewhere without portals.
Us: Understandable.
…
📖 Rulebook: I watched.
Us: You WATCHED?!
📖 Rulebook: Yep.
Us: Then you saw us defeat Kortifex!
📖 Rulebook: I also saw you teleport.
…
Us: We had to.
📖 Rulebook: Uh-huh.
Us: Quest requirement.
📖 Rulebook: Sure.
Us: Please don’t leave again.
…
📖 Rulebook: I came back to ask one question.
…
📖 DID YOU LEARN YOUR LESSON?
Us: Okay.
Us: We learned that when a portal appears, we should immediately assume something horrible is on the other side.
📖 Rulebook: Good.
Us: We learned not to blindly trust interdimensional beings.
📖 Rulebook: Very good.
Us: If an ancient civilization sealed something away…
Also us: LEAVE IT ALONE.
📖 Rulebook: Excellent.
Us: If someone says, “Nothing could possibly go wrong”—
Also us: SOMETHING IS ABSOLUTELY ABOUT TO GO WRONG.
📖 Rulebook: Correct.
Us: Don’t mess with time.
📖 Rulebook: Correct.
Us: Nothing good happens in space.
📖 Rulebook: Correct.
Us: And most importantly…
…
Us: DON’T GET ON THE DAMN BOAT.
…
📖 Rulebook: 🥹
Us: Are you crying?
📖 Rulebook: NO.
Us: You’re definitely crying.
📖 Rulebook: SOMEONE GOT DARK AETHER DUST IN MY PAGES.
😭
…
📖 Rulebook: All right.
Us: All right what?
The Rulebook opens.
📖 ZOMBIES SURVIVAL RULEBOOK
EMPLOYEE STATUS:
ACTIVE
🎉🎉🎉 THE RULEBOOK IS BACK! 🎉🎉🎉
Us: YES!
📖 Rulebook: But there are conditions.
Us: Anything.
📖 Rulebook: No suspicious boats.
Us: Agreed.
📖 Rulebook: No mysterious portals.
Us: We’ll try.
📖 Rulebook: No trusting cosmic entities.
Us: Absolutely.
📖 Rulebook: No experimental technology.
Us: Sure.
📖 Rulebook: No messing with time.
Us: Definitely.
📖 Rulebook: No secret laboratories.
Us: Okay.
📖 Rulebook: No investigating obviously cursed objects.
Us: Yep.
📖 Rulebook: No—
Us: Rulebook?
📖 Rulebook: What?
Us: We’re playing Call of Duty Zombies.
…
📖 Rulebook: …
…
📖 Rulebook: SON OF A—